sábado, 4 de abril de 2009

Una de chinos y achaques cochinos



COPLA A LA GASTRITIS

Llega remando discreta
un pinchazo después del bocado,
se prensa del tubo con aspas
y mete en las tripas las garras.

Queman las entrañas igual que carne viva,
no existe brebaje que frene la ocupación.
La primera noche es igual que un parto,
el día que le sigue es campo de concentración.

Ay, gastritis, cruel condición
que das en la barriga
y das en el corazón.

No bastando sentirse arrollado
encima de todo se está castigado.
Nada de café, nada de tabaco,
Todo es cocido y sabe a sobaco.

Ni un queso ni un vino ni un Yoli con gas
los días y las noches pierden su sal,
está uno apaleado del cuerpo y del alma
un fiambre que repta, extensión de la cama.

Ay, gastritis feroz desazón
que das en la barriga
y en el corazón.

Dicen que ataca a los estresados
que a los angustiados les da el arrechucho,
si el cuerpo es tan sabio yo no lo comprendo,
¿por qué tan fregados y encima pachuchos?

Pasan tres días y olvidas su sino,
mes de antiácidos, tranca de lirio.
Pero uno no borra su marca rampante,
que viene a asaltar cualquier noche menguante.

Ay gastritis, mal del montón,
que das en la barriga
y en el corazón.

Escribí estas desacompasadas y lastimeras estrofas hace poco más de una semana, a modo de terapia de choque entre un antiácido y un quejido. Pero en esta ocasión la medicina que siempre me salva no me estaba haciendo ni cosquillas con doble dosis, así que pasados tres días de dolores mortíferos, terminé en la sala de urgencias de un hospital privado. Fue una experiencia muy extraña. Si bien llegué al hospital sintiéndome como jerga vieja, lo hice por mi propio pie, con el pelo cepillado y los aretes puestos. Estaba pensando en todo lo que tenía que hacer esa semana y deseando que me encontraran el mal y me dieran el remedio lo más pronto posible. Tenía ganas de comer algo y de tomarme un café, aunque fuera descafeinado, a la primera oportunidad. En cuestión de cinco minutos me sentí como si no hubiera mañana. Me pusieron una bata, me acostaron en una cama, y tres enfermeras que no incluían a Clarisa comenzaron a tomarme los signos vitales como si hubiera llegado arrastrándome y desangrándome por las orejas, mientras un par de médicos escudriñaban cada uno de mis eventos gástricos de los últimos días y los avatares clínicos de toda mi existencia. Casi sin darme cuenta, ya me estaban pinchando la mano para meterme un catéter y pasarme suero y medicina para el dolor (esto último lo agradecí). Acto seguido, me mandaron al baño EN SILLA DE RUEDAS para hacer pipí en un frasquito, y luego a practicarme toda clase de estudios que incluyeron una ultra-moderna y mega-claustrofóbica tomografía computarizada. ¿Será el apéndice? ¿Será la vesícula? ¿Será la vieja del otro día? Los médicos parloteaban a mi alrededor y tomaban turnos en mi cubículo para doblarme la pierna y apretujarme la barriga. De repente me vi en un quirófano contando del diez para atrás, y me dio tanto miedo que mi hermana tuvo que sobarme la manita. El desenlace fue dichoso, en lo que cabe. Mi mal resultó ser ovárico, se arreglaría con medicina, y ni siquiera implicaba restricciones en el comer, con lo cual dos horas después me estaba desayunando una hamburguesa de pollo con papas. La cifra a la que ascendió esa mañana en urgencias es indecente y ridícula. Pero incluso aquello me alegró: llevo mucho tiempo quejándome de lo que gasto cada año en mi seguro médico y parece que al fin podré desquitarlo.

Los últimos meses he tenido mucho contacto con hospitales, y no estoy descubriendo ningún hilo negro al decir que la diferencia entre el servicio público y privado es abismal. Pero esta última experiencia me hizo pensar que existen pocas estrategias de marketing en punto de venta más efectivas y poderosas como los hospitales de primera categoría. Yo no sé si todo lo que me hicieron fue realmente necesario, tal vez sí, tal vez no. De cualquier manera, es increíble su habilidad para hacerte sentir moribundo, y hacerte creer que los necesitas. Tienen más que los remedios, los aparatos y el instrumental: tienen la llave de tu destino. Y todo es tan veloz, tan presto y tan desinfectado; todo es tan URGENTE… estás a su merced y lastimosamente te alegras de que así sea. Lo peor es que en todo el tránsito nunca eres tú quien está en la camilla, en la silla de ruedas o en la plancha. Eres tus órganos, tus niveles de hemoglobina y de leucocitos, eres una cifra, un hematoma, un cacho de carne.

Unos días más tarde tuve otra experiencia con la salud, radicalmente opuesta. Era una cita que ya tenía hecha desde hacía tiempo (con la esperanza de curarme, no faltaba más, de mi gastritis recurrente) y apenas la segunda consulta no – alópata de mi vida. La doctora Ling es china, acupunturista y supuestamente prodigiosa. La amiga muy querida que me la recomendó (tengo restringido el uso de su identidad en este espacio) me advirtió que el lugar era medio “raro”. El adjetivo se quedó corto. El consultorio de la doctora Ling es un apartamentito deslucido y cochambroso en la colonia Mixcoac que consta de una estancia cuadrada con una mesa esquinada llena de tubos de recolección, papeles, cajas y mugres, unas cuantas sillas cuchas de plástico, un cuarto desbordado de cachivaches (¿la cocina?), un bañito que huele sospechosamente, y una habitación con tres camillas separadas por biombos. La doctora Ling es joven y trabaja con otros tres chinos jóvenes, una mujer y dos hombres. Asumo que son parientes. Los cuatro van de arriba abajo, atareadísimos, diciéndose cosas en chino que deben ser instrucciones o acuerdos pero siempre suenan a quejas o a reclamos. El día que fui se les llenó el changarro, éramos más de doce esperando en las endebles sillitas de plástico. Aparte de mí, había otros pacientes de primera vez. La doctora los iba llamando y los interrogaba ahí mismo, sin privacidad alguna y a oídos de todos los presentes. Así me enteré del reflujo biliar de una señora, del cáncer de pulmón descubierto en exámenes previos a una liposucción de otra, de la artritis reumatoide de un tercero. Afortunadamente, yo llevaba una lista escrita con todas mis dolencias, misma que le tendí a la doctorcita con una sonrisa muda. Cuando llegó mi turno y me pasaron al cuartito, me recosté en una camilla cubierta con sábanas desechables (pero claramente no desechadas) y la doctora procedió a mostrarme un manojo de agujas (nuevas) y a clavármelas repartidas en muchos lugares, la primera en la punta del coco. Es menos desagradable que una inyección, pero tanto como el golpecito de una tachuela clavándose en un pizarrón de caucho. Luego trajeron una caja como de toques de Garibaldi y empezaron a pasarle corriente a cada aguja. “No estés nerviosa, m’hija, estás muy nerviosa”, repetía la señora acostada en la camilla de junto, quien llevaba el vestido arremangado hasta el cuello y además de las agujas y los cables tenía una caja de madera sobre la barriga de la que salía humo con olor a copal de los danzantes del Zócalo. Era la mujer del reflujo biliar, y al final me hizo soportable el rato contándome de todos sus males estomacales y de lo imposible y tristísimo que es vivir cuidando lo que uno come. Estuve de acuerdo.

Al escribir esto ya voy por mi tercera sesión con la china. No sé si me vaya a servir de algo pero yo lo hago con mucha fe. Entre todos los contrastes evidentes con la experiencia alópata hay uno que me resultó en especial impactante y es la diferencia en la actitud frente al dolor. Tal vez no fuera ésta una sala de urgencias, pero había gente muy malita. Con náuseas insoportables, con vahídos. Había una señora con los pies completamente volteados hacia los lados que aseguraba que era sólo gracias a las agujas que podía caminar. Y ahí las cosas ocurrían como si nada fuera tan importante. Como si un cáncer de pulmón se pudiera mejorar con unos toques de Garibaldi. Sin pudores. Los males más íntimos a la luz, el sarro asomando bajo el lavabo (mi amiga me sugiere que ponga un suéter a manera de almohada para al menos pensar que no se me pega algún piojo). Es una extraña modalidad donde se es igualmente tratado como fiambre, pero sin la parsimonia y sin la parafernalia que lo hacen sentir a uno grave. Con la Doctora Ling y sus parientes jetones todo parece tener remedio. Ignoro si mi último mal lo hubiera tenido, tal vez un desinflamatorio potente y tomado era ineludible. Nunca lo sabré.

Estas últimas aventuras me han revolucionado la cabeza con interrogantes sanitarias. ¿Qué tanto puede incidir uno en el propio cuerpo? ¿Por qué todo el mundo anda últimamente tan chueco? ¿Por qué de pronto tantas depresiones y papilomas? ¿Y por qué justo en medio de tanta preocupación por la fibra, el ácido fólico y los antioxidantes? ¿Los que nomás no tenemos el chip del ejercicio integrado nos vamos a condenar? ¿Felipe Calderón tomará viagra?
Todo esto y poco más, próximamente.

117 comentarios:

Emmanuel dijo...

¡Sí! ¿qué pedo?

Yo acabé hace dos semanas igual que tú, pero con un apéndice menos. En el hospital (también privado) me trataron bien, pero toda la experiencia es una reverenda joda.

Espero que sigas mejor, te mando un abrazote.

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Hija linda:
No fuí el primer comentarista esta vez pues tu poema me hizo salir huyendo.
La prosa, hija. La prosa. Eso es lo tuyo.
Tal vez algún día tu oráculo te diga que consultes a tu papá que siempre ha sido y sigue siendo un médico bien chingón.

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